These are my first days of sobriety. I am tired and emotionally exhausted. This is hundreds of times worse than my usual hangover. My body is shaking. I feel sick to my stomach, and I keep vomiting. I’m so dehydrated that it’d feel like nirvana to sip water. Trembling wracks my body. I have not one clue what’s going on. Time drags for what feels like an eternity. This has to be a dream of sorts — a nightmare.
“Is this hell on earth?” “Can I get through this without picking up again?” “What if this never ends?” “Is it this bad for everybody?” “I don’t know if this is worth it.”All of these thoughts race through my mind. I want the madness to stop.
I’ve known for a while now that I need to stop drinking and using. I haven’t been able to, though. Believe me when I say that I’ve tried. I continue to disappoint myself, and I’m not doing it because I want to. I’m doing it because I have to. I always pick up again when this gets too intense.
Well, I went to a twelve-step meeting the other day. It was a first step meeting for me. I didn’t have much to say, but I did share that it was my first time there. Surprisingly, everybody welcomed me. It seems like nobody wants to see me these days, so I expected that they were going to dislike me also. I’ve resigned to the fact that most people find me to be a drain to their peace of mind.
That’s not what happened at the meeting. They seemed to want me there. They told me I was the most important person there. Everybody went around the room, and I don’t remember much, but I do remember that they told me that this is how my first days of sobriety would feel.
Their words are the only thing getting me through. Plus, they promised me it would get better. And, I have to believe them. It’s the only choice I have because my doctor told me that my addiction is going to kill me if I don’t stop now.
It seems like these people are okay and that is all that I want. I don’t need money, and you don’t have to give me compliments, either. Popularity isn’t what I am after anymore. No, I don’t need anything but to get out of this hell. I am praying incessantly for a miracle in these first days of sobriety. To whatever power is out there, I need your help. I can’t do it anymore.
I’ve got to go now. I’m weary and need to sleep. It’s all I can do to keep away from using. I hope to write tomorrow, but if it feels this bad again, I may not be able to. No matter what, I need to stay sober. I’ll do whatever it takes.
Bye for now,
You can find more about Lorraine’s House here.